Words of Grace (part two)

Preparation for grace-giving speech:

1.       GOOD LISTENING

Proverbs 18:13 – If one gives answer before hearing, it is folly and shame [or, stupid and offensive].

Good listening helps us understand how a person is feeling about a particular situation. Good listening begins the process through which we may be able to offer appropriate and targeted encouragement. Also, good physical attentiveness and eye-contact help the other person feel valued and safe.

Are there barriers to good listening? You cannot listen while you are talking (or are otherwise distracted). And to interrupt someone (or change the subject) is often to destroy the moment (a moment that can never be regained). You cannot listen while you think that you already have the answer. You cannot listen while tuned into your own agenda. You cannot help while focussed on yourself.

2.       EMPATHY

Proverbs 10:19 – When words are many, transgression is not lacking; but the prudent are restrained in speech.

Good listening and attending leads to developing an empathy with a person, such that we begin to enter their level of need, feel their hurt, and start to feel properly engaged in the support process. This is a compassion based on understanding. A foundation of trust then starts to build. Empathy also involves accepting that God loves this other person just as much as he loves you, and that God wants to love this person through you. Remembering just how much God has had to forgive us, humbles us sufficiently for us to be open to help others. We may need to visualise Jesus loving this other person from the cross.

Sometimes empathy will come down to the statement of Romans 12:15 … Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Silence – a mutual state of being ‘lost-for-words’ can also be relationship building.

Are there certain barriers to empathy developing? Jumping to conclusions, judgemental attitudes, denying the right of someone to their feelings, ‘black-and-white’ solutions to ‘grey’ problems.

3.       GOD AWARENESS

Proverbs 12:18 – Rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

As we listen we can reflect on God’s presence with us and seek God’s special insight … ‘O Lord, how can I respond wisely to this’?  Again, this may centre on seeing the person as God sees them – developing positives about this person and what they can become with Jesus on their side. God sees this person as valuable … ’So how can I assist this person to feel that way’? God’s Spirit is available to us as an ‘inner voice’ (as we successfully clear our mind of other thoughts); and this will help us understand with more clarity and respond with more wisdom. We need to rehearse the reality of God’s presence being with us! [See also Philippians 2:13.] In this way our sharing becomes a deeply prayerful experience.

Are there barriers to having God awareness? Having lost touch with God ourselves. [See also Philippians 2:12.]

4.       GENTLE SUGGESTIONS

Proverbs 25:11 – A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

We now might cautiously be in a position to offer some insight and fresh perspectives that bring some new hope towards resolution and moving forward. We can also offer encouragement concerning the strengths and successes of the past to aid courage for the future.

5.       MUTUAL ENCOURAGEMENT

Proverbs 15:23 – To make an apt answer is a joy to anyone, and a word in season, how good it is!

As trust continues to build, there is a more natural sharing of weaknesses and strengths. Conversations develop toward a mutual giving and receiving of feedback and support. One can hardly tell who was the original encourager and who was the original recipient [of encouragement]. Grace has flowed forth.

Poem: “How Do You Listen?” (Unknown author)

Please listen when I talk, but don’t only listen with your ears, because if you do,

you might not hear all I’m saying, for I do not only talk with my mouth.

Listen with your eyes – look at me – watch me.

My actions may be saying more than my words.

You must listen with your eyes because I speak with my eyes.

My eyes are the mouthpieces of my inner self.

The inner me is the real me, the me you need to know.

Listen with your mouth – I need to know you are hearing me,

that you are interested – that you care.

Most of all listen to me with your heart, for I talk mainly with my heart.

My voice might say, “How are you, what are you doing?”

And your ears may hear this – but my heart might be yelling, “Ask me how I am?”

Get me to talk. I need to talk.

If you don’t listen with your heart you won’t hear, and I’ll be afraid to really talk to you.

But if you will listen with your heart you will hear,

And I will talk and you will listen,

And the rainbow will seem to have more colour.